A couple of days ago I started to talk about the book Tell My No Lies, by Ellen Bader and how lies can become part of the pattern in our relationships. I talked about the two motivations for lying as being self-protection or self-serving. But how do we come to lie to those we love?

In any relationship where there is lying, there is a liar and a lie-invitee. One of the ways that we invite our partners to lie to us is by having RULES that we make, that our partner doesn't necessarily agree with. Most of the rules start with don't. Don't talk to me right after work, don't ever bring a dirty magazine into the house, don't ever speak to your ex-boyfriend again, don't talk to me about your problems at work, don't tell me what you like in bed.........etc. These types of rules block conversation and can begin the invitation to lie.

We often assume and presume that our mate feels the same way about things as we do, or that once we have said what we like or dislike, our mates will automatically do it the way we told them forever. Rarely does that work in the reality of a long-term loving relationship.

Telling the truth is not just about getting the facts correct, but also what the meaning is at the core of you. When we are upset, it can be hard to stay in the place of what is true for us and be vulnerable enough to share it with our partners. Once you have said something and realized that it is really not the truth for you, the sooner you tell the truth the better. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the relationship becomes in lies.

Many, many people lie in order to keep the peace in their relationships. They say everything is fine, when it is really not. Eventually, this kind of behavior leads to a person feeling like they have given up their true self and may feel resentful about the price to stay in the relationship.

Compromise is different then giving in. Telling the truth leads to stronger relationships and each person feeling that they are really seen and heard in the relationship.