A couple of days ago a client was late, so I grabbed an old book from my bookcase and started looking through it again. That book was Tell Me No Lies, by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. These two therapists run The Couples Institute in Northern California. They divide lying into 4 stages of marriage.
- The Honeymoon Lie- I love everything about you. We like all the same things. I don't mind spending every holiday for the rest of our lives with your family.
- Emerging Difference Lie- It's okay if you raise the kids in your religion, it really doesn't matter to me. I don't mind being the sole supporter of the family.
- Freedom Lie- I didn't think you wanted to take the yoga class with me. I am only going back to school for one class (but I'm really thinking about a career change.) I am working late at the office.
- Together as Two lie- I don't mind taking the kids for the weekend, you can go away with your friends.
I don't know that these examples really are good to understand what happens when we lie to each other in relationship. Every lie sets a precedent. Every lie uncovered erodes trust. Each interaction between you may trigger your mate's defensiveness or invite forthrightness. Some lies are seen as trivial by one partner and a deep betrayal by the other. Even one lie can put a relationship off-track for years. Yet most of us have lied at some point. We lie for two basic reasons. The first is for self-protection: to avoid or alleviate uncomfortable emotional responses either internally or from our mate. The second is self-serving: to gain something that we want or to gain an advantage. Some lies happen for both of these reasons. Take time today to recognize how you have lied in your relationship.
