The last few days I've been blogging about how lying can enter our relationships and become an intrusive pattern. Ellen Bader, in her book Tell Me No Lies,says that in relationships where there are lies, there is not only a liar, but also a Lie Invitee.

Lie Invitees are unwilling to handle the truth. They are most likely not aware that they have a part in creating the lie pattern in the relationship. They may have fragile egos, they may want to have all the control in a relationship, they may not want to consider the wants and needs of their mates, they may fear having there expectations shattered. They almost always grew-up in families where evasion and manipulation was tolerated and the full truth was not encouraged.

The Lie Invitee will most likely say that they want the truth, but then communicate through their expressions, voice tone, posture or words that they are very displeased when they are hearing their mate's truth. They may withdraw or take on a more defended position. They may pout , give the silent treatment or fail to acknowledge the other person.

Bader says that it is not the truth that is the problem, but the response to the truth that is the problem in relationships. Typically men are more likely to withdraw, while women more typically become overly emotional. She also reminds us that everybody lies sometimes. The problem happens when lie- lie invitee becomes patterned in the intimacy and communication attempts in a relationship. "Ultimately inviting lies will backfire. When someone is repeatedly pressed into lying, a lot of accumulated bad feeling gets bound up with the truth." Bader lists some typical statements from a Lie Invitee might be:

• I want you to tell me how you fell (but watch out if you tell me something I don't want to hear)
• Tell me again whay (but this time tell me what I want to hear)
• I want the truth (but you know I'm going to suffer for it)
• I want the truth (but your're going to suffer for it)
• I don't want to hear it (and if that's the truth, I don't want to know)
• How can you be so insensitive (and have an opinion that's so hard for me to hear)?

If you see yourself or you mate in this pattern, you may want to consider either buying the book and seeking counseling  to help break the pattern of lies in your relationship.