The last few days I've been blogging about how lying can enter our relationships and become an intrusive pattern. Ellen Bader, in her book Tell Me No Lies,says that in relationships where there are lies, there is not only a liar, but also a Lie Invitee.

A couple of days ago I started to talk about the book Tell My No Lies, by Ellen Bader and how lies can become part of the pattern in our relationships. I talked about the two motivations for lying as being self-protection or self-serving. But how do we come to lie to those we love?

A couple of days ago a client was late, so I grabbed an old book from my bookcase and started looking through it again. That book was Tell Me No Lies, by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. These two therapists run The Couples Institute in Northern California. They divide lying into  4 stages of marriage.

  I spent a long time in my career working with Domestic Violence. DV to most people brings up visions of battered and broken women that are seen on police shows on TV, but abuse can often be less violent and more insidious in relationships.

It's not news that money issues are the number one reason that people say that they divorce.

While I think it is about money......it isn't really about money at all! People divorce because they don't feel secure, loved, supported or cared about. Now THAT might be about money, but it is also about the emotions that we have around money.

When you were growing up, who was in charge of money decision?

Was it a shared decision between your parents or was someone the Money Boss?

Many times people call me as a last ditch effort before divorce. This is the hardest time to save a relationship. There are simple things that can be done to help prevent the thought of divorce in the first place:

     As as couple's therapist, counselor and coach I am witness both the best and the worst in couple's relationships. Sometimes I go home after work and I think how exhausting it must be to be locked into perpetual conflict with the person you are supposed to love and who is supposed to love you. Sometimes a couple seems to have lost their notion of what they are really fighting about or for.

     What a relief it is when we feel like we are understood! Sometimes when our relationships begin to disconnect we might say, "We have had a mis-understanding". Over time, mis-understandings can lead to deeply held hurt and resentment. Feeling know and understood leads to more intimacy and connection.

     Come on, you have to laugh at that premise that 2 people with their differences, should be able to live together in harmony forever. Get Real! So, if we want to live with someone in as much harmony as possible, it seems to me that we should approach that concept with a great deal of humor.

I caught a clip on the news this morning about a woman who does a blog and has written a book. Sorry, I didn't caught her name, but the website is www.my168hours.com . I went to the website to check it out.